to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
