having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Randomize
