Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
