Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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