Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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