I can text with my tongue
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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