You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
