You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
