Whatcha textin bout Willis?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
