oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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