if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Who died my cat blue again?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
