We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
