when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize