proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
