You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
