I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
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