a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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