I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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