apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Randomize
