I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
