New invention idea: vibrating tampons
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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