can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
