I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
