I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I need to calm my uterus...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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