cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
