alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just invented taco cereal.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I came so hard my ears popped.
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