They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
