i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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