im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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