So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
false alarm, still single
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
