Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
