How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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