I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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