I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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