You made me cry and you don't even care
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
