Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
