The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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