Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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