I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
