i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize
