I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize