Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
