grandma shit on top of the toilet
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
