Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
