Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
