Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
