i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Randomize
