I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
