Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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