hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
