Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
