My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
