Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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