I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize