the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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