i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
this will be a night to untag.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
