Define "chronic" masturbator.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
