and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
