please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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