When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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