You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
