The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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