just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
