apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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